Goodnight Owl

November 21, 2015

Good Evening Gentle Readers

So today Cindy Lou and I went out to pick up some stuff, do some shopping, get gas for the car, you know the regular things that you do on a Saturday but something strange happened. We went into a department store to pick up a wrist watch and while we were there we started to look at more baby stuff. Cindy Lou as you know is almost six months pregnant and we have been picking up this that and everything that we lay our hands to for the expected arrival of who we are at the moment lovingly calling Baby. So we grab a box of newborn diapers, little size one, earlier in the day I had bought some more cute baby clothes which we both loved and it seemed right to have a look for more serious stuff. While looking I came across a book called “Goodnight Owl”, it’s one of those story books that you read to your child when you put them to bed, and I was just going to have a look at it and put it back but I thought that I would read a page or two to Cindy Lou, to see if I could muster a reading voice that would sound tranquil and calming enough to put a child to sleep.

Now this is one of those cardboard books with cute pictures and a simple repeating dialogue. The story if you could call it one, is about a owl saying goodnight to farm creatures so it’s not sad or happy it’s just saying goodnight in a cute way, for example the owl sits on a window in the hen house and says “Mother hen waiting in the hay, call your chicks it’s the end of the day” then the owl says, “Goodnight hen” and the hen replies “Goodnight Owl”. You get the idea, it’s just cute, so the owl says goodnight to the hen and her chicks, a dog and her puppies, a lamb with a baby lamb, a cow and her calf, a blue bird and her chicks, a baby bunny and her mother, and then a tiny child in bed, suddenly I am filled with emotions that I can’t control.  So there I am standing in a big department store weeping with Cindy Lou standing there trying to sort what just happened.

Now I am not sad at this moment just so filled with a huge mix of emotions that I don’t know what to do. I feel this intense love for Cindy Lou and for Baby; I feel this sense of wonder that I am going to be a Dad as well as a true fear of what this all means. Dad is a really big word and I have very little in my life experience to prepare myself for this, it’s all overwhelming in this moment standing at the end of the diaper aisle trying to hide from the people walking by doing their shopping.

We make our way to the check outs, diapers in hand, my new book pressed to my chest, one hand firmly holding Cindy Lou’s hand as we both try to hold it together long enough to get out of the public eye and it seems like a long time. Even while I am waiting to ring out I want to open the book again just to let all of the emotions I am feeling to the surface. We make our way to the car and I am still drying the tears from my eyes, it’s all so very very much that it’s hard to deal with. I am a private person and this is not at all like me. After a drive I feel like myself again, maybe a little off center but back in the world of rational thought and we still have things to do and I need to be functioning. We get to the laundry mat and I find myself back in a world that is so much more than it was when I got up this morning, maybe I am just coming to understand what is really happening, we are making a family, making the home that I have craved for so long and that has always seemed so impossible to have.

Cindy Lou goes in and starts our laundry and we both walk across the street to a Tim Horton’s for a coffee, from there we go to a Shoppers Drug mart to pick up a thing or two. As we look around the store there are more toys and cute things for children, a dog that barks, sits up and makes cute sounds, a teaching toy that tells you the alphabet, a cute school bus and then a jack in the box of frosty the snowman and Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, both of us are walking around in a new world tonight. We finish our laundry and drive home when we get there we end up sitting in the car in the dark talking about how we feel and where we are headed, it’s a powerful moment again.

With our stuff all in the apartment and the pets calmed down things start to settle, I go into the baby’s room just to be there for a second.  Cindy Lou has been building the room for weeks, we have a bassinet, a crib, toys, clothes, and more stuffed animals than you can shake a stick at and now a big box of diapers. As I look at the room I walk over to the crib and lean my arms on it. It’s a beautiful crib, dark wood and sturdy; we picked it up from a wonderful couple that Cindy Lou found. As I look at the empty crib I can picture our child laying there, wonderful and sweet, waiting for me to stand up to my role as father, I can feel the weight of the world and an incredible joy knowing that it will be our time, our family and our love that takes us forward….

I hope and pray that you can feel all that I have felt tonight as the snow falls softly on the window of the empty baby’s room, just getting ready to amaze her. The world waiting for her smile and her light to enter it, I hope and pray that I am ready, I hope and pray that I can live up to her and to Cindy Lou and to the wonderful gift that I have no words to express the joy that I have found….

Thank you Lord, thank you Cindy Lou, Thank you Baby

I Love you

Take Care and God Bless

Good Enough