November 21, 2015
Good Evening Gentle Readers
So today Cindy Lou and I went out to pick up some stuff,
do some shopping, get gas for the car, you know the regular things that you do
on a Saturday but something strange happened. We went into a department store to
pick up a wrist watch and while we were there we started to look at more baby
stuff. Cindy Lou as you know is almost six months pregnant and we have been
picking up this that and everything that we lay our hands to for the expected arrival
of who we are at the moment lovingly calling Baby. So we grab a box of newborn diapers,
little size one, earlier in the day I had bought some more cute baby clothes
which we both loved and it seemed right to have a look for more serious stuff.
While looking I came across a book called “Goodnight Owl”, it’s one of those
story books that you read to your child when you put them to bed, and I was
just going to have a look at it and put it back but I thought that I would read
a page or two to Cindy Lou, to see if I could muster a reading voice that would
sound tranquil and calming enough to put a child to sleep.
Now this is one of those cardboard books with cute pictures
and a simple repeating dialogue. The story if you could call it one, is about a
owl saying goodnight to farm creatures so it’s not sad or happy it’s just
saying goodnight in a cute way, for example the owl sits on a window in the hen
house and says “Mother hen waiting in the hay, call your chicks it’s the end of
the day” then the owl says, “Goodnight hen” and the hen replies “Goodnight Owl”.
You get the idea, it’s just cute, so the owl says goodnight to the hen and her
chicks, a dog and her puppies, a lamb with a baby lamb, a cow and her calf, a
blue bird and her chicks, a baby bunny and her mother, and then a tiny child in
bed, suddenly I am filled with emotions that I can’t control. So there I am standing in a big department
store weeping with Cindy Lou standing there trying to sort what just happened.
Now I am not sad at this moment just so filled with a
huge mix of emotions that I don’t know what to do. I feel this intense love for
Cindy Lou and for Baby; I feel this sense of wonder that I am going to be a Dad
as well as a true fear of what this all means. Dad is a really big word and I
have very little in my life experience to prepare myself for this, it’s all overwhelming
in this moment standing at the end of the diaper aisle trying to hide from the
people walking by doing their shopping.
We make our way to the check outs, diapers in hand, my
new book pressed to my chest, one hand firmly holding Cindy Lou’s hand as we
both try to hold it together long enough to get out of the public eye and it
seems like a long time. Even while I am waiting to ring out I want to open the
book again just to let all of the emotions I am feeling to the surface. We make
our way to the car and I am still drying the tears from my eyes, it’s all so
very very much that it’s hard to deal with. I am a private person and this is
not at all like me. After a drive I feel like myself again, maybe a little off
center but back in the world of rational thought and we still have things to do
and I need to be functioning. We get to the laundry mat and I find myself back
in a world that is so much more than it was when I got up this morning, maybe I
am just coming to understand what is really happening, we are making a family, making
the home that I have craved for so long and that has always seemed so impossible
to have.
Cindy Lou goes in and starts our laundry and we both walk
across the street to a Tim Horton’s for a coffee, from there we go to a
Shoppers Drug mart to pick up a thing or two. As we look around the store there
are more toys and cute things for children, a dog that barks, sits up and makes
cute sounds, a teaching toy that tells you the alphabet, a cute school bus and
then a jack in the box of frosty the snowman and Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer,
both of us are walking around in a new world tonight. We finish our laundry and
drive home when we get there we end up sitting in the car in the dark talking
about how we feel and where we are headed, it’s a powerful moment again.
With our stuff all in the apartment and the pets calmed
down things start to settle, I go into the baby’s room just to be there for a
second. Cindy Lou has been building the
room for weeks, we have a bassinet, a crib, toys, clothes, and more stuffed animals
than you can shake a stick at and now a big box of diapers. As I look at the
room I walk over to the crib and lean my arms on it. It’s a beautiful crib,
dark wood and sturdy; we picked it up from a wonderful couple that Cindy Lou
found. As I look at the empty crib I can picture our child laying there,
wonderful and sweet, waiting for me to stand up to my role as father, I can
feel the weight of the world and an incredible joy knowing that it will be our
time, our family and our love that takes us forward….
I hope and pray that you can feel all that I have felt
tonight as the snow falls softly on the window of the empty baby’s room, just
getting ready to amaze her. The world waiting for her smile and her light to
enter it, I hope and pray that I am ready, I hope and pray that I can live up
to her and to Cindy Lou and to the wonderful gift that I have no words to
express the joy that I have found….
Thank you Lord, thank you Cindy Lou, Thank you Baby
I Love you
Take Care and God Bless
Good Enough
